I Just Want to be Free! by Michelle L. Early
Those were the words that I scream-cried into my pillow that Sunday night. The previous week had been an emotionally draining week and it seemed like the coming week would be much of the same.
What would have been my two-year anniversary was that Tuesday and a surprise gesture for my bestie's birthday turned into an unnecessary trip down memory lane. Not to mention, the charged conversation of entitlement that I had with my students via messenger earlier that day...during church. The days had been hard, and here I was on Sunday night, 50 minutes past my bedtime, desperately calling out to God.
A random sequel dream earlier that week had me questioning my resolve to stay committed to God. No, I am not a virgin, but I took a vow to abstain until marriage and this dream threw me off. A conversation with my best friend caused me to see that I was still connected to the men of my
"God, I just want to be FREE!"
I truly wish that I could say that I am perfect. I sometimes wish that everything had been easily handed to me in life and that everything wasn’t so complicated and difficult. I wish, for once, that good days weren't followed by emotionally debilitating days. But that's just not the way life is. Truthfully, if it were that way, would I ever have a need for God?
My late-night cry to God was my heart's desperate plea to be separated from the sexual impurities that had been with me for decades. Yes, the first man was not my fault or choice, but every experience after that was by my own hand. And I realized that night that I still carried their spiritual scent with me. There is no shower in the world that can cleanse you from the soul connection of an intimate partner who is not your God-given spouse. Looking back, I had adopted many traits of my exes over the years. Maybe it was the drinking. Maybe it was the cursing. Maybe it was the anger. Maybe it was the lust.
Maybe it was the thought that I wasn't good enough. Maybe it was the self-hate. Maybe it was the ______ fill in the blank with the thorn that you now bear. All I know is that God did not intend for me to live like this. He did not send His Son to die for my sins so that I could be bound to anything. No, He sent His Son so that I could be FREED from the chains that once had me bound.
So I cried out to my Savior.
First, I needed to earnestly repent for the ways that I had displeased God and for how I had broken His heart. I opened my Bible and read Psalm 51, stopping to allow my heart to fully process verses 16 and 17. A "broken spirit and a contrite heart." That's what God needed and, thankfully, that's all I had to give.
Second, I turned to the vehicle of freedom that God had given me- my passion to write. Writing is a freedom practice for me. It is how I pray to God and how I continue to heal from my life. Writing is something that I never dreamt I would want to do, but now it is how I offer praise and worship to our Lord and Savior.
Third, I believed in my heart that God could (and would) free me. Earlier that day in church, my pastor talked about the faith of the Syrophoenician woman in Matthew chapter 15 and then I heard another preacher talk about the woman with the issue of blood in Mark chapter 5. Though these were two different women and two different miracles, one thing was the same- their faith was unshakeable! They both believed that Jesus was the Son of God and that He was able to do great things! They stepped out of line and their lane to reach Him and their faith was rewarded. They went to the source for their healing and they walked away with healing (one for her daughter, the other for herself).
My healing testimony is simple- I am coming to God with a broken spirit and contrite heart, using the words that He has divinely put in me coupled with faith the size of a mustard seed, trusting that God has already given me the victory, in Jesus' name. Hallelujah; I AM FREED!!!
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