My heart aches for my past self as I look back and see myself frustrated, stuck, and beating my head against the wall wondering when my life would begin.
It wasn’t too long ago that I found myself weeping in my car all the way to a doctor’s appointment. Willing myself to stop, as I didn’t want to walk into the appointment with mascara running down my face and red blotchy eyes, was the only thing kept that moment from turning into a complete meltdown.
The tears just wouldn’t hold back; they kept flowing as I was thinking…
“You are 36 years old, and you have no career to speak of. No great accomplishments or accolades. No firm established business. You’ve lived over a ⅓ of your life without having realized any of your dreams. You’re a failure.”
Those thoughts kept repeating themselves in my head, you know like one of those stupid songs that just gets stuck playing, over and over and over again and you just can’t get it out?
For over two years I had committed to being a life coach which included going through school, completing my practicum and working with non paying clients for practice. I had the skills, listening and connecting the dots for people was one of my specialties. I even had the certificate from school. I was official!
But the dots that were not connecting for me were the how to make a coaching career profitable and sustainable. It seemed as if whatever I tried flopped. Was I even meant to be a coach at all?
Of course I had been fulfilling my calling as a wife and mother with an established family, amazing husband and three lovely daughters, yet I never truly dug deep to find out who I was. My husband Mike and I started dating at 15 and 16 respectively, got through high school and some college then played the marriage card. Soon after we had babies. My life had been consumed with being a partner to my love and being a mother to my babies. In my journey of domestication, I failed to take the time to discover who was behind the wife of Mike and the mother of Enya, Skye and Shay.
And if I’m honest, deep down I just knew there had to be more.
Why would my heart ache, bursting at the seams to reach and help more women with my services?
And why hadn’t coaching been working out for me?
Did I just stink at marketing?
Was it that nobody wanted to talk to me?
Those couldn’t be it. I’d been doing everything right. Taking all the steps that are proven to build and create a successful coaching practice.
And I am a great coach, the few women I have coached were changing their lives and making things happen. The calls were completely God led, and I felt his presence there.
However, I just couldn’t get my practice off the ground.
Why would God call me to be a coach if he had no more clients for me to help?
(And here is the bigger question that kept running through my mind…)
What is my message? Why can’t I seem to figure out what my message is to reach these women?
SO many questions, yet no answer from God.
Even my business bestie was dumbfounded. My friend, a life coach herself, could not understand why things were not working for me.
We both graduated coaching school together at basically the same starting point in our businesses, and hers started booming. Mine stayed quiet.
What was I doing wrong?
Have you felt this way?
You’ve poured your heart and soul into something, but it’s as if God turned his back on your work and said he’s handed out enough blessings in that area, he’s got no more for you.
You’ve followed all the directions exactly, even going above and beyond. You’ve prayed over your hard work, given it to God, asked him to bless you, and yet the divine lines of communication stay silent.
Tears, anger, depression, anxiety, loneliness. All these feelings flood you and you just can’t seem to pull through…
For me these negative feelings came during difficult moments. When I would try a new business idea and it didn’t work, when one of my peers would have success pains of jealousy would arise, or anytime I began to feel my dreams were not being realized. When the enemy showed me what I couldn’t have, those were the times the negative feelings and thoughts would really consume me. Sometimes I’d cry, sometimes I’d scream, sometimes I’d call up to God in anger. I would take my frustrations out on my family through withdrawing from them or being irritable toward them. I was blaming God and others for my circumstances. My eyes were blind to what success really meant — following God’s plan not my own.
As a believer I knew that deep down God has a plan for me. The part that drove me crazy was trying to figure out what that plan was. I wasn’t willing to just wait, live in each moment and really spend the time it took to dig deep WITH God to figure it all out for me.
Eventually, my prayer changed from, “Lord, please bless my business, my dreams, my plans.”
The prayer that changed everything!
“Lord, please strip me of MY dreams, goals, and plans. Take away the desires of my selfish human heart, and replace them with YOUR dreams, goals, and plans for my life. Fill me with your desires. Create in me a new heart, and in your time, open my eyes up to YOUR divine purpose for my life. I am yours, use me as you need me, however, and whatever that looks like. Please bless my journey. Thank you Lord, I love you. In Jesus name, Amen.”
Today I encourage you to change YOUR prayer.
Even if you think you know that what you are doing is the right thing, I urge you to cross check your heart. Pray the prayer above and see where God leads you.
Don’t give up. Persevere. Walk forward in faith. Keep praying.
There have been many life lessons learned in the years as I have struggled to find my purpose. One of those being that I needed to pray differently. Through all of this, I have realized that God’s will for my life is more fulfilling than any plan or dream that I could work up in my limited understanding.
Today, I am freed from feelings of discontentment and freed to love my family and welcome the plans that God has for me.
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself is the Rock eternal.” Isaiah 26:3-4 NIV
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:1-2 NIV
Coach & Author